Mom still in hospital

So it was occurring to me while I was visiting my mother in the hospital yesterday that she is nearing the end of her life. She was lucid enough for 90 seconds at a time, falling asleep mid sentence, and I was trying to quietly freak out on my own. Wow, she has no neck. Her mouth does not seem to want to stay closed, although I see her making the effort. She is falling asleep with her eyes partially open. Her color is waaaay off. Her skin looks like crepe paper.

This is someone that abused me while I was young. As I watch her sleep, I try to figure out what I am really feeling. Sadness? Yes, I am feeling sad for her. She seems to not have gotten anything that she was hoping for in life. Well, maybe that she became a mother, but then she didn't know what to do with those feelings and took them out on me. She is a grandmother, and I used that on her to try to shake her out of her ennui, to make her want to get better by saying that the kids cannot visit her in the hospital and that they did want to see her. If she worked to get better, then they would release her to the rehab center and the kids could visit her there. She nodded, but I really can't see how much she is struggling. She seems to be drifting off.

Is it wrong of me to feel that that would be a nice way for her to go? Just keep going, don't come back mom... because what would she be coming back to? She and my dad don't even talk to each other any more, as far as I can tell. She can barely see, so her joy in the TV has got to be diminished. She is in pain, but cannot self medicate any more (that put her in the position that she's in now,aspirin- blood thinners until she got a bleeding ulcer).

I have such joy in my life. My kids are great, and I know it. I have a great dog. I pretty good husband (OK, he's great, too) and I am trying to get back into writing. When I am at that age, what will I have looked back on and seen as my greatest feats? And my regrets? I try to live my life right now, with no regrets.

Hoping anyone reading this does the same...

live now, no regrets

my mom can't stand me

OK, I know I am not the only person out there with this problem, but here it is, bald and unvarnished - my mom can't stand me. She may love me (that was indicated by my father this past week) but she cannot stand me. To live with me, should my dad die first, would probably guarantee both of us a lot of stress.

But let's back up for a moment - why would I be having this conversation with my father (who happens to still be married to my mother)? My mom was admitted to St Mary's hospital for a bleeding ulcer. My dad told me that my mom and he for once, were not fighting and that all of the sudden she spontaneously starting vomiting. The "spontaneously" is important to that last sentence as she frequently induces vomiting. My dad just saw that the vomit, all over the bed spread as she was in bed at the time, was black and thought "wow, that's weird. Black Bile?" and tried to get her to go to the hospital with him in the car. She refused and insisted that he call 911 and have the paramedics transport her. So he did, they went and she is still in the hospital 6 days later. She needed 3 units of blood, that is how much she lost. She passed quite a bit of it through her intestines (yes, that is a nice way of putting it, eh?). All of her symptoms were masked through previous behaviours, lack of noticing on her part, or OTC medications she is taking by the handful.

Now I am trying to et her released to a respite facility to build up her strength before being released to my 79 yr old father, who cannot lift her 4'10", 170 lbs. frame. She refused to go in a wheelchair to dialysis yesterday, so I can just imagine what will happen should she need to go to the bathroom while at home. She also seems to not be able to see right now. She is confused, she seems to be uncomfortable.

It must be hell to grow old. I look at her and just see what I should not do in my life. I also find it incredibly hard not to think "wow, she was so mean to me when I was young. Why should I go out of my way to see her now that things are going so awful for her?" and then immediately feeling guilty for having these thoughts. ugh.

I don't know if this is the beginning of the end for her (or some awkward middle place) yet, I do know this - she is going to be very afraid of the end, and for that, I need to place my feelings aside and just be there to hold her hand and comfort her. Please let me be able to do that! Biting my tongue goes only so far! LOL

explain this

Why am I at the pool all the time? When I am on one of our trips, I miss the comradery but I am glad that we have next week off.

Why is it when I ask conservatives if the health bill just throws the cost of indigent care from where we pay for it now through higher costs in health care that the doctors and hospitals put on pay from the pocket people or people with health insurance onto the gov't (OK yes, we are still paying for it, but at least NOW indigent people can go and get preventative care instead of Emergency care which is cheaper), they have to tell me that the federal gov't should not be in health care (I had it pointed out to me that the federal gov't should not be in health care because of the 10th right in the Bill of Rights)? Is that really answering the question? We pay for health care for the uninsured now. Right?

Why is it when I tell my kids to not talk back, they talk back some more? I feel like telling them - Just. Shut. Up. But of course, that is not nice. Yeah, right.

Why is it when someone complains about something and I tell them that I'll look up why that is happening, they write back "oh ha ha"? "Oh ha ha?" What is that supposed to mean? I hate to complain without also looking for a way to fix it. Is it just me?

Why is it I have the time and the inclination to write on the internet and yet I am shrugging off writing my book?

namaste

toni

JO Max meet over!

Well, we got the kids over to Chula Vista for the JO max meet this weekend. Getting up was no problem for me or the kids (me-5, kids-6) and they did both well and not so well.

T Times -100 IM 1:45.79 (dropped 2+ sec.)

50 Free 43.06 (added 1+ sec.)

50 Fly 52.32 (added 3+ sec.)

50 Breast 53.42 (dropped 8+ sec.)

50 Back 50.68 (added 2+ sec.)

100 Free 1:32.63(dropped 7+ sec.)

L Times - 100 IM 1:59.89 (dropped 10+ sec.)

50 Free 46.32 (added 3+ sec.)

100 Back (DQ)

50 Breast 1:01.09 (dropped 11+ sec.)

50 back 50:43 (dropped 1+sec.)

100 free 1:41.63 (dropped 10+ sec.)

Can you see the problem? That's right, for the 1st time ever, L beat T in a time. The 50 Back. She cried. He said, cool, whatever, mom! I didn't know whether to be horrified for T because she works so hard and L seems to lope along, always thinking to himself that she is stronger and faster forever OR to be pleased for L because he HAS been paying attention in practice and is starting to show something for it.

So much fun to be a mom (yes, I am rolling my eyes at that)...

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!

from "Finding Nemo" Dori's song